Resilience in your marital relationship
Relationship is a journey a puzzle, a continue process of learning and growing together. Every relationship has to pass through dark and bright nights, rubs ,to make it loving and understanding. So it is a task for each one of us to make things better and beautiful by working on each other.
But when we talk about narcissistic personality things become little more challenging at times because it is difficult to change patterns of a narcissist as they give importance to themselves first than others and lack empathy, lack insightful eye to watch the impact of their own actions and behaviour.
Their insecure, nagging behaviour is their faulty coping strategies that they use to overcome their fear of being left alone. They are afraid of their partners excelling them so they are competitive, jealous of their partners. The root of all such behaviour lies in the unpleasant childhood experiences of not getting unconditional love and attention by the family.
So if the person living with narcissist understands the root and nature of their behaviour and learns new skills of communicating things he can definitely help her and himself to live peacefully. So think it of as a new adventure and try out the following.
1.Communication
You cannot hit or pin point anything directly to narcissists. The moment you tell them their fault, they will become defensive.
So tell them their faults by flattering them. Like for example if she wants you to tell you your schedule, you can say, “OH darling, you are so understanding and supporting to me always. You know urgent things need to be done today and I need Your help to give your precious support. As you know only machines can be specific about timings and not humans. To be spontaneous is the beauty of a living human being. So I know you care to give me freedom to work and move that is beneficial to both of us”
• Make a story.
Give her example of someone else. Mrs X behaving in certain way and how this affecting Mr X.
Just make sure not to target her controlling behaviour directly.
2.Tell her benefits of changing a particular behaviour.
Talk to her. Ask her where their relationship is heading towards. Talk about your pains and feelings. Since it is difficult for such person to give importance to your feelings so you have to focus her attention towards the benefits of behaving in a certain way. How a particular behaviour will make her a queen. How she will be benefitted by giving you space and freedom .Again you shifted the focus on to “her” ,at the same time sharing your heart out.
• Play some game together
Tell one positive thing in your partner to improve for a loving understanding relationship. Your wife has to tell you and you have to tell back to her.
Tell positive healthy points about each other. Ask her to tell you your qualities. It will help her think about you and your feelings little bit.
But remember not to take it personally.
3.You and your wife are one.
Narcissists think about their benefits first. So make her understand that you are her part. You are one. How much your life is incomplete without her. Tell her you don't want to lose your part. Whosoever gets a project, or is happy or wins among us is “our” victory together.
4.Try to mirror her drama to her
For few days ask her petty details of her activities of the day and next days. Act like her until she is fed up and feels controlled. Then tell her immediately how it feels same to you.
5.Go for counselling
It will be better if you go for couple counselling. But she won't feel need to go if you tell her directly. So you have to frame a sentence using ‘we’. “We need a counselling, we need to make our relationship beautiful”. So tell her it's benefits to your relationship.
• Discuss openly about your needs and expectations by following the rules again by telling how she will gain in that.
6.Learn to leave the situation.
Don't fuel the issue with arguments on any issue. Move away, give her space to yell and calm down alone.
7.Don't focus on positive or negative of argument.
Soon negative mood will change into positive and vice a versa. Do not focus on content of the issue.
8.Pretend
When she speaks you have to show from your body language that you are listening to her through eye contact and you are understanding her. This will help her to be calm and to listen to you as well.
9.Change the focus
Focus on some hobby. Help her engage in some hobby or pursue some interest or activity. And you too don’t be too much serious about what is said. Focus on work,pleasure,hobby, your own interests and growth.
10.Be patient and create a healthy support group for yourself to laugh and share.
This situation has created an opportunity for you to be more mature, patient and understanding. It will help you explore your hidden horizons of unconditional love and support. Do not forget to laugh and love together.
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